Sunday, February 17, 2008

Attempting communication clarity


We are social beasts, we interact with others at work, play, home, with our colleagues, family, extended family and friends. Sometimes we think we are on the same "wave length" with someone and it's really a great feeling. This feeling drives us to exchange about more topics of interest and in the heat of it all,
sometimes in a flash of a nanosecond, it all falls apart. Suddenly that feeling of connectedness is replaced by a weird feeling inside and I wonder whether or not there has been a misunderstanding. A bit of information that got lost in translation, a statement that comes out of left field, a judgment call that seems out of place – there are a multitude of possibilities for a communication meltdown.

Once I realize the misunderstanding has come about and acknowledge it (already a quantum leap!), I have a number of strategies to choose from.
1. Rephrase and explain my point of view (pov) and/or ask for clarification from the other person concerning their pov;
2. Avoid the discussion and hope it will go away;
3. Blame the other person and scratch them off your dance card forever.

In the past month I overheard two conversations (at the hairdresser's and in the steam bath) of girlfriends discussing their own misunderstandings and opting for strategy 3. In one situation a women admitted having cut herself off from all communication with her brother, while her girlfriend related a story of having cut all contact off with her sister.

Upon hearing this exchange little voices screamed through my skull Oh my god! Oh my god! Here I sit over 6'000km from my one sister - I cherish every conversation we have, even when we don't agree, so it's difficult, no impossible to consider let alone imagine, cutting myself off from that rich exchange.

As for strategy number 2, my ex-husband and ex-business partner were adepts at practicing the art of avoiding - probably because their culture has drummed into their brains that misunderstandings can lead to disagreeing which can lead to arguing and arguing is a BAD thing and should be avoided at ALL cost.

My cultural references are rooted in my growing up in a matriarchal QuebeƧoise society, with parents who raised me to believe that I could do anything I set my mind to. This is a quantum leap from the Swiss patriarchal culture that I sit in while bringing up my children. These lovely girls have been told by their school teachers over the years that they have too much character - which I now understand means, voicing an opinion! So, if my discussion partner is not willing/able to voice his/her opinion a seemingly small misunderstanding causes the entire jug to overflow. A flow of ALL their pent up stuff that has gone unsaid, for way too many years, comes belching out of them - ‘cuz the feelings that the initial misunderstanding caused have had time to grow into all sorts of strange things if they remain unsaid.
So I listen, and apologize if and when necessary.

The key here is that in order to move on once it's all out in the open is to forgive and forget....sometimes easier said than done. Some people have resentment issues that they need to work through ....hopefully before dying :-)!

Life, non violent communication and active listening training, a bunch of people that I really irritate on regular occasions and some excellent facilitation techniques have brought me to the conclusion that option 1 is the one that works for me.

That means when in doubt, when that funny feeling starts to grow in my gut - Rephrase the glitch and ask for confirmation and clarity.

It can be scary, especially when it gets personal, but I want to keep my ears open and listen so that I can have a better chance of understanding the people that I am blessed to have around me.




Thursday, February 14, 2008

For love or money?

Why is it that women do most if not all of the cooking for their lovers, husbands, partners, friends, children and family yet 95% of restaurants have "chef's" that are men.
Women cook for love ...and men cook for money?

So ladies if your going out for dinner tonight, chances are a man will be making your meal and paying for your meal :-)
...Yowza! Think of all the energy you'll have for after dinner.

If he's doing the cooking' at home, it's to please you....... 'cuz it's always about love.

Happy St.Valentine's day